With all the talk about The Last of Us and Uncharted being made into movies in recent months, I remain as optimistic as ever that someday, somebody will get videogame movie adaptations right. The recent history of game adaptations is horrid to say the least, so I wondered why they go so wrong, so often. Why has Resident Evil become a multi-sequeled photo shoot for Milla Jovovich's quim? Why did Bob Hoskins fail to put on a silly Italian accent for Mario Bros? I had to know, I had to hope I could stop the rot by exposing the root of the problem
So, using my canny methods to infiltrate some of the biggest film companies*, I made a shocking discovery. The people making them have clearly looked at the title of a popular game, bought the rights, and made up the plot as they go along. WITH NO RESEARCH!!! Seriously, just look at some of these heinous crimes against videogame history I discovered from my stealthy sojourn into the dark underbelly of Hollywood.
Plot Summary: A touching drama about a man called Gerald, who lies down in the vacant parking space that used to be occupied by his ex-wife's car in the vain hope that his odd protest will win her back.
Contains subtitles, accordion music and scenes of turtle abuse for no apparent reason. Stars Adrien Brody as Gerald because he always looks sad.
Plot Summary: Documentary that follows washed up rockers, Ass Assins and the Creed on their totally overblown, overpriced and underwhelming comeback tour.
Can Ass overcome his addiction to oven cleaner? Will Brian ever be remembered? Who knows! It could all be in the head of a 32 year old forum writer!
Plot Summary: sent into a maniacal RAGE by a rare favourable review of his latest movie-shaped turd, our protagonist, Adam Sandler, embarks on a killing spree to reach the lair of the mythical critic who would dare to give him plaudits so he can give him a good telling off! Also starring anyone who usually bums off Adam Sandler's career.
Grim tale of a fifteen year old dyslexic council estate yobbo who don't read or write too good bruv as he sets out to be a shoplifting champion (cos FIFA sounds like thiever innit blud) and fails miserably when he gets caught nicking tampons in Boots. Stars Tom Hardy, because he's tough and British, and that'll do.
.Heart-warming comedy-drama about an exclusive Florida resort for washed up artistes, where both kinds of Coke are on tap and you can have rum with either!
Featuring Denzel Washington as a bisexual 80's musician and Dame Judie Dench as his Crack addict mother. Burnout Paradise shows that when the music dies, the performers are left playing an encore to the void.
FALLOUT: NEW VEGAS
Critics are saying absolutely nothing about these films because they don't know of their existence.Charming comedy about a yearly family reunion that is always likely to end in a huge argument.
Dad (Clint Eastwood) is sick of his bickering family coming to his home every reunion so he decides on a trip to New Vegas, which is like old Vegas only it's in Alaska, and has no gambling.
This of course leads to tears and tantrums as one misunderstanding after another sees the volatile clan up before a judge for attempted murder
With his family doing their level best to annoy the shit out of him, Dad bails the lot of them out and drives them to the icy wastelands to settle the score once and in a remarkable bit of Fourth Wall breaking, Dad pulls out a Magnum and blows everyone's heads clean off and mutters something racist before riding off on a horse to start a new career teaching women to box.
So now you know the truth, spread the word, we may yet shame these corporate tosspots into playing at least 20 minutes of LittleBig Planet before they decide it's going to be a buddy comedy about a down on his luck dwarf, and his overly obese brother travelling into space.
*These methods may include making things up.