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So, I'm writing a book...

This is a discussion on So, I'm writing a book... within the General Chit-Chat forum, part of the Off Topic Chat; I feel kinda embarassed telling you this, but now that mty summer has started I'm going to continue writing a ...

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    So, I'm writing a book...

    I feel kinda embarassed telling you this, but now that mty summer has started I'm going to continue writing a book I started a few months back.

    I've always wanted to write a book but my ideas are usually just 'guy goes here, blows everything up.' This one is still about fighting in a way but I've really thought it out and have, what I think, is an interesting story with plenty of twists.

    Below I'm going to copy out a draft of the blurb (overview of story on back page) and I would appreciate it if some of you could leave some feedback. Please try to be constructive, don't just say 'it sucks', actually give me a reason and maybe recommend some changes. Also, don't feel the need to lie to me and say you like it, be honest please! Oh, it's about vampires (don't worry, not any of that sparkly Twilight bull).
    Here goes :
    ''The year is 2,314.
    Planet Earth is on the brink of armageddon. In a desperate attempt to survive, the wealthy have decided to abandon society, planning to colonise Jupiter, a planet that over time has evolved into a habitable safezone. The many secrets of the Universe have by now been revealed.

    Apart from one. The Underworld. A hidden city buried deep within the core of Jupiter, inhabited by the once tormented souls of Earth, neglected and hated, reborn as half-human, half-demon.

    The Order of Blood, a clan of modern-day vampires, have a duty to protect planet Earth. But when the Order's arch enemies, the Wulven Tribe, help spark a world war between the rich and the poor, 3 Blood Brothers from the Order face a monumental decision; Do they finally reveal themselves and face the dire consequences in order to stop the colonisation, or do they leave humanity to its impending doom?''


    Well there you go, once again I'll say that that is only a draft, so don't take it too seriously. Thankyou to anybody who reads it and comments


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    It sounds like a pretty interesting story. The struggle between the rich and the poor in any story for some reason interests me. Keep going with this.

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    I think the idea is cool, not sure how well it will play out though

    Jupiter? Why Jupiter? I think using a planet that isn't a gas giant would be easier to work with, like Mars.

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    Sounds like a very unique and interesting idea. Good luck writing the book. I hope it turns out well

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    I really like the concept, though I do hope you kinda reveal how and why vampires have come to existence, and I'm not meaning to be rude here, but is the fact that they are vampires an important keypoint to the story? If not, then it seems a bit gimmicky and shoehorned in. It's kinda like you can't decide if you want to make a sci-fi, an apocalypse or a vampire book. This may gets more explained in the book, but it is a very brief abstract you've written, so it's kinda hard to give critique. I do like the idea, and I must say, as a hobby-writer myself it's quite perplexing to see another writer on the site.

    Oh and one last thing. Jupiter is a planet entirely made out of gas... I don't think it's ever going to habitable .




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    yeah seems promising but I have some notes for you: first,please don't call the city "the Underworld"try to be more original;I do not know a town lost between the crevasses you can call it the Vallum(?)
    second ;jupiter is just a giant sphere of gas so I believe the human colonization would be more effective on one of its moons ther's about 60(io,ganimede,callisto ecccccc)however, continue your good work!

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    I love the creative vibe, but the problem I'm seeing with this description is that there's so many questions popping up in my head.

    How the hell if Jupiter habitable? It's a planet made entirely out of gas. Have the humans somehow changed the planet to make it habitable? (A la, Aliens) Yeah cool, vampires against evil dudes. Rock on! I mean, cool and all, but you need to explain how they tie in to this. You're trying to branch sci-fi and fantasy together in a weird mix. It worked with with Dune but that was more practical. There's nothing wrong with awesome-ass vampires battling in space, but you need to tell your readers WHY there's awesome-ass vampires battling in space. Otherwise it'll feel like you put in vampires just for the sake of putting in vampires.

    Anyway, I do hope you keep going with this. I'm someone who loves creative writing myself, so it'll be cool to see your progress with this, if you decide to show it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Chambers35 View Post
    I think the idea is cool, not sure how well it will play out though

    Jupiter? Why Jupiter? I think using a planet that isn't a gas giant would be easier to work with, like Mars.
    Hi, the reason I initially chose Jupiter is because....it's big Well actually that's not really true; I chose it 1. The story is 300 years in the future and by my reasoning, planets close to Earth, ala Mars, would already have been 'invaded', and the resources used up. Jupiter is a gigantic planet much further away. 2. As it's a gas planet, we as humans can't exactly look into it much. All we see is gas, but what if that gas concealed something very small that overtime led to the planet changing, for sinister reasons? Anyway I see Jupiter is a very unpopular planet so that will definitely be changed in my notebook

    Quote Originally Posted by gyrocop View Post
    I really like the concept, though I do hope you kinda reveal how and why vampires have come to existence, and I'm not meaning to be rude here, but is the fact that they are vampires an important keypoint to the story? If not, then it seems a bit gimmicky and shoehorned in. It's kinda like you can't decide if you want to make a sci-fi, an apocalypse or a vampire book. This may gets more explained in the book, but it is a very brief abstract you've written, so it's kinda hard to give critique. I do like the idea, and I must say, as a hobby-writer myself it's quite perplexing to see another writer on the site.

    Oh and one last thing. Jupiter is a planet entirely made out of gas... I don't think it's ever going to habitable .
    Thankyou, yes this is only a first draft blurb and so is very vague. Lots of eventual details are missing.
    Also, the role of vampires is what the entire story revolves around. Without them the story is 'meh' and a lot of the key parts within the book rely on the 'special' abilities of what vampires/their enemies can do. If I wrote out my entire note book I can assure you you understand As the war between the humans rages on, the vampires spice things up a lot, leading to some pretty interesting results.

    Quote Originally Posted by JackAttack View Post
    I love the creative vibe, but the problem I'm seeing with this description is that there's so many questions popping up in my head.

    How the hell if Jupiter habitable? It's a planet made entirely out of gas. Have the humans somehow changed the planet to make it habitable? (A la, Aliens) Yeah cool, vampires against evil dudes. Rock on! I mean, cool and all, but you need to explain how they tie in to this. You're trying to branch sci-fi and fantasy together in a weird mix. It worked with with Dune but that was more practical. There's nothing wrong with awesome-ass vampires battling in space, but you need to tell your readers WHY there's awesome-ass vampires battling in space. Otherwise it'll feel like you put in vampires just for the sake of putting in vampires.

    Anyway, I do hope you keep going with this. I'm someone who loves creative writing myself, so it'll be cool to see your progress with this, if you decide to show it.
    Yes, much like what I said to the quote above, this is only a very simple summary. The vampires are an absolute necessity for much of the story toplay out as it does.
    Oh and I should have made it clearer really, this isn't a book about fighting and violence primarily, in the book I attempt to draw the reader in emotionally to the '3 Blood Brothers' and their seperate and yet intertwining tales. Violence and war is just present in the background, no too often at the fore. Also, the vampires never fight in space or anything ridiculous like that. My aim in the book is to show how whilst the vampires may appear different, they're not so different to the selfish and betraying humans. Don't expect loads of 1000 warrior battles, I keep 85% of the story on Earth, keeping the reader intact with the vampire's link to humans.

    I hope I answered your queries, not too sure. Just to clarify, this is not about epic battles and cool superpowers, it's much more 'emotional', for want of a better word. Emotional makes it sound like luvvy duvvy crap but that's not what I'm trying to say, I want to get across in the final book that the vampires risk what is closest to them in order to save the humans.


    Thanks to everybody who I haven't quoted above aswell, it's awesome to read your opinions Hope I managed to get my message across!


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    Thing is I think your using too many plot points. You need to narrow it down or it will be too hard to follow in a single book. Or you can change them a little so they'll fit in better.
    E.G instead of finding a lost city, "Nobody remembers why it was built" or instead of half-human half-demon, "The Twisted Creatures that stalk this forlorn Realm".
    You could say the city is where the vampires were first created or its the site of one of their mad scientists experiments. You've got a great idea with the city, don't neglect is 85% of the time

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brohgrick Talonteeth View Post
    Thankyou, yes this is only a first draft blurb and so is very vague. Lots of eventual details are missing.
    Also, the role of vampires is what the entire story revolves around. Without them the story is 'meh' and a lot of the key parts within the book rely on the 'special' abilities of what vampires/their enemies can do. If I wrote out my entire note book I can assure you you understand As the war between the humans rages on, the vampires spice things up a lot, leading to some pretty interesting results.
    But that's the problem. You have basically written a teaser trailer, and there is no way people can really find proper critique to a teaser trailer. More in-depth would be nice. You could write a little about:
    • The main character(s) and their personality.
    • The main quest.
    • The conflict (and villains (if you have any)).
    • What you've planned to fill the other hundreds of pages with.




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    When I read your outline it just reads like bad fan fiction. Vampires battling half breeds from Jupiter after the apocalypse. Throw in a lesbian scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Felicia Day and it would be complete.


    One step I would suggest (before you even start writing) is to map out the entire timeline so you know where you are going. Map out from the point the humans started leaving earth to the end of the book. Even if that back story isn't used in the book you, as the writer, will at least know it and can draw from the history you created.

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    Give this person chance before you right this story off. It needs polish but so doesn't everything in fiction. Let's help the Story/Writer out.

    A.T.M. I'm very tired. Elaborate on the story a bit more we shall help you out.

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    Well, if you're writing this for marketability, you're on the right path. Vampires will sell, sell, sell; doesn't even matter if your story sucks. But I digress.


    Things I like from what you provided:

    --The colonization of a planet that isn't Mars. I feel like Mars has been done to death. So I'm actually cool with that as long as you make up a Michael Crichton-esque (Bullshit that sounds completely believable) reasoning/explanation as to why we go to Jupiter.
    --The societal struggle between rich and poor. I'm with Dare on this, that's always interested me.
    --Post apocalypse: If done correctly, it's an amazing setting/ story plug in.

    Honestly, that's about it.

    Things I don't like:

    --Half-humans, demons, vampires and all that crap. I am just not interesting in reading the stuff. The appeal has long wore off. I'd prefer just a sci-fi (but semi) realistic story about rich vs poor on a distant planet post apocalypse.

    --If you're really trying to make a good piece of literature (I'm stealing Legasyofbloods words here) reduce the amount of plot points. The way you're setting this up, in order for it to be truly good you're going to be writing page after page after page until you've hit some ridiculous amount like 5 or 6 hundred pages just in covering the plot points (not including filler pages and other dialogues) which will make this book monstrous huge. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to consider.


    I'm not saying you have a bad story lined up or anything like that, I'd just prefer a more realistic story. I'm demon'd and vampire'd out. You do have a lot of things going for you and who knows, you may even keep up the path you're own and surprise me. But good luck on the story and if you need anyone to proofread/edit feel free to vm/pm me; I don't mind helping.

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    mmm.. interesting
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    Quote Originally Posted by Legasyofblood View Post
    Thing is I think your using too many plot points. You need to narrow it down or it will be too hard to follow in a single book. Or you can change them a little so they'll fit in better.
    E.G instead of finding a lost city, "Nobody remembers why it was built" or instead of half-human half-demon, "The Twisted Creatures that stalk this forlorn Realm".
    You could say the city is where the vampires were first created or its the site of one of their mad scientists experiments. You've got a great idea with the city, don't neglect is 85% of the time
    I'm trying to make this book about personal battles for Earth, which is why the majority of it is set on Earth. It's set over 2 books

    Quote Originally Posted by gyrocop View Post
    But that's the problem. You have basically written a teaser trailer, and there is no way people can really find proper critique to a teaser trailer. More in-depth would be nice. You could write a little about:
    • The main character(s) and their personality.
    • The main quest.
    • The conflict (and villains (if you have any)).
    • What you've planned to fill the other hundreds of pages with.
    Yes a teaser trailer is exactly what a blurb is. It gives the roughest of outlines. I wanted to see if it generated any interest, and if so then I would elaborate. Tommorow I will provide some details if you would like.
    Quote Originally Posted by dr_mayus View Post
    When I read your outline it just reads like bad fan fiction. Vampires battling half breeds from Jupiter after the apocalypse. Throw in a lesbian scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Felicia Day and it would be complete.


    One step I would suggest (before you even start writing) is to map out the entire timeline so you know where you are going. Map out from the point the humans started leaving earth to the end of the book. Even if that back story isn't used in the book you, as the writer, will at least know it and can draw from the history you created.
    Bad fan fiction? But that's exactly what it is! Also, you have completely misread what I said (or maybe what I wrote was misleading?), never at any point did I say the vampires are battling anybody, especially not the half-breeds. It is also not post-apocalypse, the reason the humans are trying to leave is that the world is on the brink of apocalypse. I cannot get this point across enough; it is not a book about battles and superpowers - see my previous comments.

    I have also already mapped it out, only written one page (1 page of the actual book that is, many pages of mapping) Oh and I realise I never clarified this in the original post, the vampires are trying to stop the humans from leaving.

    Quote Originally Posted by Achilles_XLII View Post
    Well, if you're writing this for marketability, you're on the right path. Vampires will sell, sell, sell; doesn't even matter if your story sucks. But I digress.


    Things I like from what you provided:

    --The colonization of a planet that isn't Mars. I feel like Mars has been done to death. So I'm actually cool with that as long as you make up a Michael Crichton-esque (Bullshit that sounds completely believable) reasoning/explanation as to why we go to Jupiter.
    --The societal struggle between rich and poor. I'm with Dare on this, that's always interested me.
    --Post apocalypse: If done correctly, it's an amazing setting/ story plug in.

    Honestly, that's about it.

    Things I don't like:

    --Half-humans, demons, vampires and all that crap. I am just not interesting in reading the stuff. The appeal has long wore off. I'd prefer just a sci-fi (but semi) realistic story about rich vs poor on a distant planet post apocalypse.

    --If you're really trying to make a good piece of literature (I'm stealing Legasyofbloods words here) reduce the amount of plot points. The way you're setting this up, in order for it to be truly good you're going to be writing page after page after page until you've hit some ridiculous amount like 5 or 6 hundred pages just in covering the plot points (not including filler pages and other dialogues) which will make this book monstrous huge. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to consider.


    I'm not saying you have a bad story lined up or anything like that, I'd just prefer a more realistic story. I'm demon'd and vampire'd out. You do have a lot of things going for you and who knows, you may even keep up the path you're own and surprise me. But good luck on the story and if you need anyone to proofread/edit feel free to vm/pm me; I don't mind helping.
    1. It's planned to be set over 2 books
    2. Also I would like to say this is not typical vampire, demon jargon. Please believe me on that.
    3. As for a more realistic social struggle novel, I actually wrote up notes for an entire book based upon that
    4. I've said this before, but I'll repeat, I'm aiming to get the vampires etc as close to humans as possible. In the final book I don't want you to feel like they are some bad ass blood suckers, I want you to form a close bond with them, seeing them as almost human. The rough reason as to why they are vampires is that for quite a few of my best plot points, humans would just not fit in.


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    Quote Originally Posted by dr_mayus View Post
    When I read your outline it just reads like bad fan fiction. Vampires battling half breeds from Jupiter after the apocalypse. Throw in a lesbian scene between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Felicia Day and it would be complete.


    One step I would suggest (before you even start writing) is to map out the entire timeline so you know where you are going. Map out from the point the humans started leaving earth to the end of the book. Even if that back story isn't used in the book you, as the writer, will at least know it and can draw from the history you created.
    I'm sold

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    I like your premise, but here are some things to keep in mind:
    -Explain thoroughly how the heck vampires popped up
    -Have a Prologue maybe in a board meeting where some big rich people discuss the plan, then switch perspective to a vampire you think the story would revolve best around
    -If push comes to shove, alternate reality could come into play, maybe a "what-if" of sorts, know what I mean? Maybe if this act had happened, we get radiation in someone's blood making vampire king that spreads.
    -Start very mysterious, then lay it all on us
    -Explain the "Wulven"s' intentions. Are they protecting or are they on the offensive?
    -Explain why Jupiter can finally be boarded and colonized, and why there
    -Please please please no "chosen one" so and so. It could turn your great idea into a cliche mess
    -Before you begin writing, plan this all out in your head. Unless you flesh out the vampire unable to show themselves part and overall intentions for all factions this has the potential to be a short story, maybe a novella. Entice us by turning this into a long yarn.

    Turn this "fan fiction" as Mayus puts it and really put a spin on it that'll make our heads turn. I like the idea.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Brohgrick Talonteeth View Post
    Bad fan fiction? But that's exactly what it is! Also, you have completely misread what I said (or maybe what I wrote was misleading?), never at any point did I say the vampires are battling anybody, especially not the half-breeds. It is also not post-apocalypse, the reason the humans are trying to leave is that the world is on the brink of apocalypse. I cannot get this point across enough; it is not a book about battles and superpowers - see my previous comments.

    1. It's planned to be set over 2 books
    2. Also I would like to say this is not typical vampire, demon jargon. Please believe me on that.
    3. As for a more realistic social struggle novel, I actually wrote up notes for an entire book based upon that
    4. I've said this before, but I'll repeat, I'm aiming to get the vampires etc as close to humans as possible. In the final book I don't want you to feel like they are some bad ass blood suckers, I want you to form a close bond with them, seeing them as almost human. The rough reason as to why they are vampires is that for quite a few of my best plot points, humans would just not fit in.

    If you want to make these vampires as human as possible, then why not just use humans? You literally just told me, as a reader, that the vampires are being forced into the novel. You're even backing this up by saying that they're not going to be battling people or sucking their blood, but they're instead going to be involved in more of a political battle.

    Additionally, one of my biggest pet peeves in all of writing is when someone writes as if they know what they're talking about, and then doesn't. It's why I hate when sci-fi's are written by people with no knowledge of science, or court room dramas are written by people who were never even involved in a court of law. You're telling me (and I'm paraphrasing here, so don't get butthurt because I'm not using your words lol) that you're going to make Jupiter habitable, because y'know, it's a gas planet so we can't see all of it. To that I say bullshit. Literally go look up Jupiter on Google, because it's an insult to scientists to say that we don't know much about the planet. Please, please, PLEASE, do your research on stuff before you write about it. As much as you think you know what you're talking about, and as 'creative' as this type of writing is, everyone will still think your book is absurd if you don't know what you're talking about.

    Now, I'm probably coming off as really harsh here, but there's things you have to realize with writing.

    1) You need to learn to take criticism. There's nothing wrong with defending your ideas (as you have within this thread) but that doesn't mean you can be oblivious to critiques, especially when multiple people are bringing up the same problems. That means that you should look into fixing things. It's easier to be stubborn, but you generally end up with a better project if you listen to what the public sees as wrong.

    2) Along with #1, if you want to have a shot at writing, you're going to HAVE to go through people hating on your work, being denied by publishers, etc. Think of this thread as a mini-lesson for that.

    Just make sure you LISTEN and take in what we're saying; especially since you asked for us to critique it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brohgrick Talonteeth View Post
    1. It's planned to be set over 2 books
    Just to let you know, unless you are a well established writer don't write for 2 books. If no one likes the first one then you are left on a cliff hanger and then your book doesn't work. Films like Star Wars and The Matrix for example tied up the story but left it open for sequels if need be.

    Anyways don't let people discourage you, but also understand that people can give advice as well. If nothing else it is always good practice to get anything down on paper. Good luck with the writing and if you want to add the lesbian scene you will at least have one sale in Kid_Loser

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    Quote Originally Posted by JackAttack View Post
    If you want to make these vampires as human as possible, then why not just use humans? You literally just told me, as a reader, that the vampires are being forced into the novel. You're even backing this up by saying that they're not going to be battling people or sucking their blood, but they're instead going to be involved in more of a political battle.

    Additionally, one of my biggest pet peeves in all of writing is when someone writes as if they know what they're talking about, and then doesn't. It's why I hate when sci-fi's are written by people with no knowledge of science, or court room dramas are written by people who were never even involved in a court of law. You're telling me (and I'm paraphrasing here, so don't get butthurt because I'm not using your words lol) that you're going to make Jupiter habitable, because y'know, it's a gas planet so we can't see all of it. To that I say bullshit. Literally go look up Jupiter on Google, because it's an insult to scientists to say that we don't know much about the planet. Please, please, PLEASE, do your research on stuff before you write about it. As much as you think you know what you're talking about, and as 'creative' as this type of writing is, everyone will still think your book is absurd if you don't know what you're talking about.

    Now, I'm probably coming off as really harsh here, but there's things you have to realize with writing.

    1) You need to learn to take criticism. There's nothing wrong with defending your ideas (as you have within this thread) but that doesn't mean you can be oblivious to critiques, especially when multiple people are bringing up the same problems. That means that you should look into fixing things. It's easier to be stubborn, but you generally end up with a better project if you listen to what the public sees as wrong.

    2) Along with #1, if you want to have a shot at writing, you're going to HAVE to go through people hating on your work, being denied by publishers, etc. Think of this thread as a mini-lesson for that.

    Just make sure you LISTEN and take in what we're saying; especially since you asked for us to critique it.
    100% agree with Jack.
    Half of the great ideas out there started as one thing, then veered into a whole other direction. Take what we're saying and use it. If vampires are being forced into the novel, then don't. Let it come naturally. Take a simple idea and build off that. Take an idea, make it very basic, because maybe you'll get to the point where you thought it could be longer when it's really too short. Start basic and build. It doesn't matter whether or not that includes entirely dismantling it. Like Jack up there said, be sure to research topics before you start magical rainbow fantasies about them. Jupiter is gas. Gas equals not habitable.
    Like Jack said, you asked us to critique it, we did just that. We're only trying to help you make this better (better mention us if this gets published). Stop defending and commence absorbing


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