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Review Reviews Episode 1: Failure is not an Option!

This is a discussion on Review Reviews Episode 1: Failure is not an Option! within the General PS3 Discussion forum, part of the Everything PlayStation; Borderlands 2 Fails To Cross Over (Game Theory Review) - Speakeasy - WSJ Welcome everyone to the newest program here ...

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    Review Reviews Episode 1: Failure is not an Option!



    Borderlands 2 Fails To Cross Over (Game Theory Review) - Speakeasy - WSJ

    Welcome everyone to the newest program here on the NGN network, Review Reviews. I’m your host Keun Joo-In with my partner in crime, Saikou Hakkin. The format of the show is simple, we review game reviews from across the internet. You pick them, we review them. Can it get any easier than that?

    I don’t think so K-JI. Tonight we are going to review a review that so many people have been calling in the network about that we created a whole new show for it. Only in Asia can we get this crazy!

    Alright Saikou, let’s get started in Episode 1: Failure is not an Option! First off this review for Borderlands 2 was made by the good people at the Wall Street Journal. Obviously right away we are dealing with a highly professional bunch of people. It’s the Wall Street Journal. When have they ever been wrong?

    Exactly, they have never been wrong before so obviously the thousands of people who sat for weeks in their own fecal matter to protest their rightness couldn’t get their minds out of the 70s. I think those same people also commented on the review.

    The first thing that has me wanting to shake this guys hand is his great opener. Nowhere in my two seconds of journalistic experience have I seen such poise and thesaurusness with the expression ‘joy puke’. Am I the only one here who wants to make that a T-Shirt?

    I’m shocked our good colleagues, Skip, Max, or that guy that does interviews, have never thought of that word. You know we are dealing with a literary genius when the interview guy has not made it up. I mean, he is on a constant cocaine induced acid flashback so we know he makes crap up on a daily basis.

    I think we need some garbage bins for the joy pukingly good time we are going to have. But I am confused, Saikou. I thought Borderlands was an RPG?

    Obviously this is why we don’t work for the Wall Street Journal. It’s because it’s a first-person shooter. Any game where you look at the screen with only a gun for a body is an FPS. Halo, Skyrim, Deus Ex, are obviously all FPSs. We are dealing with a genius whose binary brain capacity has proven modern reviewing terminology to be flawed. Even when my body is a Mace of Molag Bal, I am playing a first person shooter.

    You’re right, Saikou. This is why we don’t get paid the big bucks. But I’m still confused. Why is he comparing the game to a fish? I didn’t know cod could shoot guns.

    That is America, K-JI. Everything has a gun, even the guns. What are you doing K-JI?

    I’m looking up America on Wikipedia. I forgot what it was and so I have to remind you and the audience about my complete lack of knowledge and experience to show you how great my work ethic is, instead of pretending to make shit up.

    Don’t forget to look up the word ‘work ethic’ as well.

    I’ll do that. I need to look up descriptive. I like the word descriptive. I think it is creative and cool. But it is too big. I don’t like big words.

    Uh, K-JI, why are you talking in such non-descriptive sentences?

    I thought that was the hip, trendy thing to do now in journalism? You know, not actually spending the time to explain your opinion.
    Don’t you do that too? Being descriptive is so non-descriptive it’s not what we like to call, ‘the in-thing’.

    The ‘in-thing’?

    No, no ‘the in-thing’, see it’s so obvious you are not hip enough for the WSJ when you cannot air quote things correctly. You have to air-quote the ‘thes’ because not air quoting ‘thes’ is so 2009. We can’t feel outdated. Doing anything twice is a one way ticket to the unemployment office. I still don’t know why the fish can keep copying themselves though. Maybe it is affirmative action?

    I have a confession to make. The review made me cry myself to sleep last night.

    Really, why? Tell me on the game cover where the bad man told you to shoot him.

    I cried because I was hoping this game would be as good as COD. The single-player campaign and experience of COD fucks my mind every time I play it. It’s like someone takes the barrel of a 12. Gauge and rams it in and out of my skull until it blows a load in me. Doesn't it do that for you?

    I wouldn’t go that far, although I am sure there is a fetish for shotgun skull fucking on the internet somewhere.

    Having the ability to choose my size, shape, colour, and everything from a bazillion guns just isn’t enough to satisfy me. I’m spoiled with the plain standard. Sniff Sniff

    It’s okay, Saikou. Black Ops will be coming out soon, and so will Halo. You’ll be able to have Master Chief use the shotgun on you that he was carrying around for 4 games that never changed or felt dated at all. Cause it’s obviously bad to reuse things, especially important things like your personal skull fucking toy. You know what they say, if it ain’t broke, fix it.

    Sniff Sniff
    You sure know how to cheer a guy up.


    You know what else will cheer you up?

    What?

    Manga, everyone loves manga. This game is not using the manga style and that sucks, but it’s still cool.

    You’re not making any sense, K-JI.

    I know, but I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. I do that a lot. I’m trying to improve on it and be more obtuse because I think if I master it I’ll get a job at the WSJ.

    Shit, well, that bites. I just got killed trying to save Claptrap. He is spot on in his analysis. I’ve only spent five minutes in playing this character and already I feel so invested that having to play the story of the game feels like a chore and a waste of time. Why do I have to save this robot’s eye? Can’t he just make a new one? He is a robot. Why do I have to risk my fake character that feels no pain or has any feelings to save a dinky robot, especially when I just re-spawn two feet from where I died? I liked my second Zero before he got killed. I’ll miss you Zero Two.

    I too would enjoy this game to be like a choose your own adventure book where I can just turn to page thirty for the fun of it because I don’t like the ‘You must slay the goblin’ line on page two.

    We need to mention the one thing that this reviewer has the courage, the tenacity, the screw the world mentality to do, and that’s being as unabashedly obvious as possible. I too am sick of games where I do the same task over and over and over and over and over and over and...

    Are you going to say anything else anytime soon?

    over and over and over and over again. Doing quests is just so boring. I am putting my degree in cybernetic history on the line, possibly ruining the little reputation I have by saying this. Why can’t games be more like Call of Duty? Obviously, and this is where working for the Wall Street Journal proves a man to be smarter than me, that running for five seconds in one direction before getting your head shot off from a sniper, and then doing it fifty times is a lot more fun than a leisurely stroll incinerating mutated cross-breed dogs, or whatever those skags are supposed to be? Did a dog fuck a sheep or something?

    Don’t forget the most important thing we miss out, Saikou. All the whiny pseudo-racists who think their e-penis is actually real and will get them with the school cheerleaders. Reading this review has cemented my resolve to wait for Halo 4 because I just love fucking people’s momma’s at the same time the guy next to me is fucking mine. It always brings a tear to my ear. Someone’s momma is getting some loving in November.

    That’s the end of the episode everyone. Out of a score of A+ with a Z being zoolicious, a J being half as good as a BJ, and an S meaning, well, we’ll let you figure out what an S means, we give this review a C for career suicide.

    Have a review you would like reviewed by K-JI and Saikou? Send a message with the link.

    Stay tuned next time for Episode 2: It’s nothing Business. It’s only Personal.




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    review reviews..... this could turn out interesting....id like to see you review one of our sites reviews lmao

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    lololol. That was funny. Keep it up Lasombra hahah. I enjoyed that.

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    Haha, nice to see it turned out so well


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    Just............yes.

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    Aww Lasombra, I love ya. Not only for the great review of a review, but also for pointing out that this idiotic review exist in the first place. Now if you'll excuse me I must go post something hateful on that guys site.
    "I do not agree with a word you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it."- Voltaire

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    Nice work man, keep it up.




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    holy shit that was funny.

    hella good job dude
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    That.... was..... just..... awesome! I wish the authors of the WSJ article can see this.



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    Quote Originally Posted by wandarer View Post
    That.... was..... just..... awesome! I wish the authors of the WSJ article can see this.
    I tried to post the link in the comments of the review a few times, but it never worked. Someone else will have to try it.

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    That was a fantatsic read Lasombra, best review of a review i've ever read

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    I had a lot of fun reading this Las. I'll look forward to the next episodes






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    Joking aside, great review review. Spot on.

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    LOL, that was good man. Keep it up, hope to see many more of these.

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